Tuesday, February 28, 2006

73. My L’il Kid-neyramblings

No I haven’t developed a health problem.

I’d like to take this opportunity to let my virtual friends know that my wife Limpy is Pregnant. That’s right, preggers, prego, great with child, embarrasada, encinta, [insert your fav’s here.]

My l’il Kid-neyramblings shall be the name of the child until further notice. I considered the name Stupidbaby, but I didn’t want the child to suffer degradation too early. I also considered the name Limpybaby, but that is a name of high station to which the critter has not yet aspired. Our little guy/gal is the size of a kidney bean; hence the name: kid-ney. Ramblings is as good a surname as any for one who is of the (soon-to-be) drooling, crying, kicking, colick-ing, odor-emitting fusser who will be my little baby—our first, my little chip (another name I considered)

My wife Limpy is just starting to show and is in good spirits, but she’s tired all the time. Thanks to my recent weight loss (see previous post), I am now in a position to do light dusting and help my wife Limpy out a little.

Things I’m not looking forward to:

• Odor
• Immunizations
• Potentially losing man-of-the-house status before his 1st birthday (if MLKR’s a boy)
• Spit up
• Doctor’s appointments
• Hand washing cloth diapers
• Did I mention the odors?

Things I AM looking forward to:

• Having my retirement paid for by an internationally famous millionaire football, baseball, soccer or jai alai player
• Perfect marks in school
• An eternally happy youngster who will provide us an unending stream of giggles, guffaws, chortles and gurgles.
• A beauty contest winner many times over
• Someone to take my dishes to the sink
• A worthy chess opponent
• Someone to obey me (finally)
• A business partner
• Someone to call me ‘Daddy Dearest’

That should be enough, I wanna give my l’il Kid-neyramblings some room to grow and improve. They don’t just start at the top you know.

Anyway, I thought I’d let you all know how proud I am (soon) to be a papa. One day my l’il Kid-neyramblings will have his/her own syndicated TV show, but for now, I’ll be taking care of the (sure to be) attractive l’il nipper…

Photo courtesy here.

Monday, February 27, 2006

72. Diet and Gone To Heaven

Last night, my sister Mortimer (who lives with my wife Limpy and me until her condo is finished) made a divine gift from heaven called Mexican Lasagna. Or I guess it’s Lasaña Mexicana. The problem: it doesn’t fit with my diet. The solution: I ate two portions last night and another today.

So anyway, I am slothful. That’s how I got to my corpulent state as it is. Last year, I found an urge and desire to live the healthy life after a guest speaker at a work function told us we had better exercise or die of diabetes. I agreed. So I bought a gym pass and started exercising.

Because I am slothful, though, my exercise habits have dropped off a bit. So in a secondary effort to be healthier, I decided to diet—an idea that had heretofore been both A) dumb and B) stupid.

So I went on my diet and I am feeling better day-to-day. I even have energy to watch my wife Limpy clean the house. The side benefit: I have lost weight. Losing weight was not the intended goal of my diet, but it is an attractive side-benefit.

Before, when I was beluga-whale-ish, I weighed 225. Last week when I went in for a doctor’s appointment, I weighed 215 with clothes, keys, cell phone, and wallet. I know from experience that denim, keys, wallet, cell phone, and other clothing combined weigh about 5-6 pounds, which means I have lost 15-16 pounds. Weird. My skinny pants are starting to fit again. My wife Limpy is starting to forgive me those oh-so-little offenses that had previously been sore spots. My church calling—chorister—is going better than ever. I guess 20-25 pounds from now I’ll be president.

Anyway, my sister Mortimer’s fantastic Lasaña Mexicana was a minor setback in my plan to become president, but I shall reign with fervor…

Thursday, February 23, 2006

71. Four 'N' Stuff

Four Jobs I've Had

  1. Grocery store bagger/stocker then promoted to asst. produce manager
  2. Traveling Salesman
  3. Mechanic
  4. Then this one time in college I accepted a job moving doors. This old guy was remodeling his house as his own general contractor. I got hired on as the grunt boy who carried heavy objects and swept sawdust off the floor. I only worked for him for one day. He had me move the same doors 4 times (appropriate). Later that day he paid me for the day and told me he and his wife were taking off for six (6) weeks to Canadia in their RV and that I should call him back in six (6) weeks. I had found another job by then.

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over Again

  1. Tommy Boy
  2. Lord of the Rings series
  3. NFL films
  4. The Rookie

Four Places I've Lived

  1. Inkom, Idaho (Inkom, Stinkum)
  2. Provo, Utah
  3. Santander, Cantabria, Spain
  4. Lehi, Utah (Lehi, Stinkum)

Four TV Shows I Love

  1. Monday Night Football
  2. Survivor
  3. 24
  4. CSI (original Las Vegas)

Four Highly Regarded and Recommended TV Shows That I've Never Watched a Full Episode of

  1. Desparate Housewives
  2. American Idol (disclaimer: I don’t think I have ever seen a whole episode, but I have seen plenty American Idol. I hate it and usually find a way to remove myself from the room.)
  3. Frasier
  4. My Name is Earl (I love it, but I haven’t ever seen a whole episode.)

Four Places I've Vacationed

  1. Cedar City, Utah
  2. Sydney, Australia
  3. Pigeon Point, Tobago (pictured)
  4. Caracas, Venezuela

Four of My Favorite Dishes

  1. Rotisserie anything (I am pretty good cook, and my wife Limpy bought me a BBQ grill with a rotisserie burner. I lurve it.)
  2. Paella (Spanish saffron rice)
  3. Chicken coconut kurma (Bombay House, Provo, UT)
  4. Bacon bleu cheese burger (JCW’s, American Fork, UT)

Four Site I Visit Daily

  1. www.sudokuweb.com
  2. http://missnemesis.blogspot.com/
  3. http://www.ericdsnider.com/index.php
  4. http://sports.yahoo.com (fantasy football/baseball)

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now

  1. Home (well my parents’ converted garage—whatever you want to call it.)
  2. Golfing
  3. The Caribbean (specifically Tobago)
  4. Santander, Spain

Four Bloggers I Am Tagging

  1. Redlaw
  2. Daltongirl
  3. Th.
  4. Limon (because I don’t know any more bloggers who haven’t done this and I want him to do this exercise again)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

70. Olympic Diary: Day 7

1) Gold bless the USA: The USA never does as well in the Winter Olympic Games as we do in the summer games. We usually run away with the medal count in the summer. We are running third this time though. I only mention it for observational purposes. I find it odd though that the USA is not first in the medal count, but we ARE first when you consider gold medals only.

2)Millstone around my neck: Did I mention the medals look like millstones? [There’s nothing like hanging a millstone around your neck.]

3) I’m here; I’m Weir: In an interview among Dick Button, Scott Hamilton and Bob Costas (or was it Jim Lampley?) They were talking about the brash, flamboyant Johnny Weir, men’s figure skater. He is a very good skater, but on the ice he’s not the greatest showman. Off the ice, however, he is brash rebellious, opinionated—a real firecracker. Then Scott Hamilton piped up and said, “On the ice, he could be more showy, but off the ice he seems to be saying I’m here; I’m Weir.” Wow. Like men’s figure skating needed any MORE association with homosexuality. As with all comments that border on weird, there was a strange, awkward silence after the comment that left Scott Hamilton staring into the camera with a forced smile that looked smirk-y. Nice.

4) Finally, this is not an Olympic entry. I was driving in Albany, GA today. I passed a beauty supplies store called OK Fashion and Beauty. OK? I guess if you want to look OK you buy your supplies at this store. And just what IS OK fashion? Is OK fashion lacey, or is it made of non-blue denim? I should have gone into the store so I could make a full description. Unfortunately I was working and couldn’t see myself doing it when I could have been talking to potential customers. About product. And about myself. A lot. That’s the way to sell product these days. At least that’s the impression I get from my sales counterpoints in other businesses. I can guarantee this: the whole decade"80's" was OK fashion...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

69. Olympic Diary: Day 6

Just so you know, I don’t just play a handsome character on TV; I am handsome in real life.

Anyway—here’s a couple of Olympic stories that I found inspiring since Monday night:

1) Bob Costas is a purist. By ‘purist,’ I mean he loves sports and loves the beauty and inspiration of sport, but hates the ugly, selfish side of sports. So when Costas had Gretchen Bleiler and Hannah Teter in studio, I enjoyed the moment. I especially enjoyed the moment when Costas asked Teter how she feels to be an Olympic medalist. Teter responded by patting herself on the back and having a wonderfully adolescent self-congratulatory moment. Good ol’ Bob Costas was visibly disturbed by the gesture and I was amazed he was able to restrain himself from vomiting—his visible displeasure was so evident. Thankfully he held back. Maybe he realized she is just a teenager and a tongue-lashing on national TV would not be appropriate. Maybe he figured the tape-delayed interview wouldn’t make it on air anyway. Maybe his disgust was feigned. I like to think he almost quit his job right there.

2) Zhang and Zhang of China had a horrifying fall about 30 seconds into their pairs skating routine. Zhang (m) dropped Zhang (f) on a throw-triple toe-loop salchow-Lutz-thingy. Zhang (f) dropped from about four (4) feet up and was forced into the splits by gravity and an unfortunate landing stance. She got up immediately and began to skate again, only to require Zhang’s (m) help to get off the ice. Then miraculously she recovered and they continued their program. She performed near flawlessly to garner a silver-medal score and my admiration. One has to wonder what it takes to take such a hit, be in so much pain and then get up and perform as if nothing had happened. Maybe she learned it from soccer players. At any rate, she's lucky she didn't break her pelvis or her femur or anything else. I bet she hurts for a while anyway--her knee bruises were visible THROUGH HER TIGHTS and BEFORE the program was over. OUCH!

3) Curling sucks. Not to play—it sucks to watch it on TV. It’s lawn bowling on ice. I LOVE to play lawn bowling, but I’d hate to watch it on TV. Similarly, Curling sucks on TV. On the converse, curling stones can be used to break a TV.

Monday, February 13, 2006

68. Olympic Diary: Day 4

As some of you know, I am very, VERY enthusiastic about the Olympic Games. I have always loved the games; the Olympics usually embody all that is right with sports. They also bring out the best in the world and its people--for a couple of weeks most people drop differences and enjoy the spirit of competition. A couple of thoughts.

1) Frode Estill, one of the favorites in the men's 30km Cross-Country Skiing Pursuit, was taken down one meter into the race on Sunday. It was a group start and there was a gigantic pileup from the first second. Once Estill got on his feet and racing, he was 52 seconds behind. That when the Olympic magic happened. Estill's countrymen, whose names I couldn't find, darted to the front of the field to slow the pade so Estill could catch up. Like true heroes, the rest of the field slowed considerably to allow it. Forget the competition, let's make it even AND THEN race. What a concept! Estill went on to take the silver, passing three competitors in the last 300 meters and becoming my new Cross-Country skiing hero in the process. OK I didn't have a CCS hero before, so he's my first CCS hero. Too bad about the frozen drool thing though.

2) This story comes from a while back, but I have to let you know about it. In the Sydney Olympic games, on the first Sunday morning. I was blessed to be a spectator in Homebush Stadium to watch the Track & Field events and the end of the Women's Marathon. Takahashi Naoko (pictured) of Japan finished first, but the notable story came from the second-to-last competitor who entered the stadium two hours behind the leaders. I wasn't able to find her name or her home country, but she was a recipient of the Olympic Spirit. She was not aware she was supposed to enter the stadium, cross the finish line, and then complete a full lap of the stadium to finish--crossing the finish line a second time. Instead, she crossed the finish line and and stopped. When her mind was done, her body collapsed, but she was still 400m short of the finish. The official approached her and with frantic hand motions, explained that she needed to finish the lap in order to finish the race. She got up--shaking--and wobbled her way around the stadium as the crowd gave her a standing ovation. I got all weepy and stuff because it was so cool.

3) Michelle Kwan. I should have mentioned Michelle Kwan before, because I was deeply disturbed that the USOC would choose her to represent the US in figure skating. She competed in ONE event all year. Yes, I said ONE. Granted, she did well enough to grant the US three spots instead of just two, but she only competed ONCE. Why is that a problem you ask? Because poor little miss Hughes, age 17, actually earned her way on to the team by placing third at nationals, but was bumped because MK wanted another shot at gold. So, a person who has had two chances to win gold BUT CHOKED BOTH TIMES gets chosen over an up-and-comer who could be the future of US figure skating for many more years. OR Hughes gets injured, loses interest, or gets beat and never gets another shot. Fortunately, Kwan has decided not to compete and Hughes is set to fly to Torino soon. Skating justice--finally.

Friday, February 10, 2006

67. Thus spoke Raven—Nevermore *or* Raven Lunatics

Since my last post, and true to the form of my blog, I have been reached by people using the following search terms. I don’t understand the fascination people have with Raven Symone, but I have decided to go ALL RAVEN ALL THE TIME.

wall clings (MSN)
belch burp +blogspot -bbands -deztan (Google)
restaurant twotwotwo (Google)
www saxy girl (MSN)
is raven-symone pregnant? (MSN)
Is Raven Symone pregnant? (MSN)
raven symone is pregnant (MSN)
jodie sweetin wedding pictures (MSN)
braces (headgear OR "head gear") (Google)
Funny Ben Roethlisberger Pictures (MSN)
was raven pregnant (MSN)

See what I mean? A maturing child star gains a few pounds and all of a sudden—BOOM! (*thanks John Madden*) everyone thinks she is preggers. Don’t they understand talent comes in many different packages? Don’t they know that not all actresses have to be thin?

Here’s what the buzz is about her on BET Community Forum:

It looks like it to me becasue i saw hear on punk and she was looking awfully big. If she's not pregnant than her stomach is looking really nasty and with all that money that girl has she could at least afford a physical trainer.-- aninestanley21486
[true dat!]

Everybody needs to stop hating on Raven, she is talented, pretty and her show going on and is doing something with her life. She, got all that money she can eat all she want. Why, are yall so worried.. She's doing it and doing it big , being a really good role model for teens and women all across the world. I agree, with whoever said that she dont need to be all skinny, she's not even overweight. People, just need to stop. Let the girl do her thang--classychick1981

The girl's business is her business. I believe that she is not pregnant even though I had my doubts. She is good people. If it she is pregnant I will still support. My nephew has a crush on her. I kind of do too. I want to say support her. She may be thick but she is still good looking--sneeky79
[Follow your instincts sneaky.]

I don't think she is, Disney would have fired her already.
Everything is funny as long it doesn't happen to you.--Youngplaya87
[Play on!]

I agree, Disney ain't playing that. She is just a little plump, all the money she is making, she deserves to eat good. Now on the other hand, old girl need to hire her a trainer because Disney will give her that demand to lose weight or they will give her and the show the boot. They told Lindsay to slow down on the bottle or they are going to give her the boot. I think the girl just have been packing on too much in areas where she knows *97*er physique is vulnerable.--pumpk713
[Cuz Disney don’t play.]

hey yo dont be talking about my girl like that i dont think she is pregnant hope not because i want to meet her and ask her to be my god sister hope she say yes—famousfriersonjr
[ah yes punctuation i cant get enough of it hope you like my post]

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

66. More Googlings

I am forever amazed at the search terms people use to find my blog. Enjoy:

• stupid jobs (MSN) Because I’m the authority.
• is raven symone pregnant? (MSN) Who knows how this search topic relates to Stupidramblings, but there it is.
• stupid questions to ask guys (MSN) Once again I am the authority on all that is stupid
• Did Raven-Symone get pregnant? (MSN) Okay—very disturbing. I wonder why people would read a brief description of my blog and then decide to click on the link provided by MSN. Maybe it’s that I mentioned I have Raven Symone’s email address thanks to Eric Snider’s blog.
• Was Raven Symone pregnant (MSN) Again, I got a lot of hits with just a brief mention of Raven Symone
• stupid videos (MSN) I think I have established my superiority on the subject of stupidity.
• instant message John Stamos (MSN) Because he’s a big hit. I mean literally tens of people care what he’s up to these days.
• mailbox NYU dorms (MSN) Who knows?
• Jodie Sweetin (MSN) Another Full House character—great! I think degenerates all over the world will now find my blogs thanks to my biopic on the Olsen Twins.
• rain bonnets (MSN) I have no Idea…
• feeling sick with oxycontin (MSN) Here is where I have some knowledge; Me-N-Rush are tight.
• saxy girl (Google) Apparently I was not the first to use the term ‘saxy girl’ to describe a saxophone-playin’ hottie.
• church up skirt (MSN) Yikes!
• Stupid (MSN) Someone wanted a very narrow search result.
• stupid pictures of why i got fired (MSN) I guess there are slothful employees who document their demise as they let the door hit them on the way out.
• Ingalls Wedding (blogger.com search) I LOVE that show.
• germophobe (Google) No problem there—I’m the expert.
• sasha cohen (Google) Watch for her in Turino. I hope that Michelle Kwan fails to win gold again—the tramp.
• stupid bears (MSN) Next up: Stupid Seahawks!
• "crutch substitute" (MSN) Sounds like a bad day at school.
• berenstain bears theme song (MSN) I bet they were surprised to find my analysis of the Berenstain Bears theme song on my advice blog.
• headgear braces (Google) I had ‘em; I love ‘em.
• stupid subliminal song (MSN) I never wrote about subliminal anything that I know, but there it is.
• Erv Woolsey Co (MSN) The parent company that owns the Berenstain Bears.
• northwest airlines pilot (Google) Drunk Bat Turds!
• cat fight (Google) Everyone’s favorite topic. Well…the guys anyway.
• hairy bellies (MSN) Who knows how I was linked to a topic this mundane? I mean, I run a quality establishment here.
• tony lama bbq (MSN) Tony Lama is a cowboy boot company. I guess they have to get the leather somewhere…

To Ensure I get searched more often, I have to mention Jessica Simpson, Shawn White, Joseph Ratzinger, Jessica Alba, Nick Lachey, Grammys, Academy Awards, Iraq, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Ben Roethlisberger, Peyote Manning, Fiddler on the roof, and Audrey Hepburn.

I know, I’m shameless, but let’s see how they find me now…