Thursday, May 18, 2006

87. Bustin' Cats.

Sensitive viewers might find the following stories...unsavory.

I'm finding I'm none too kind to animals lately. Specifically cats. (Watch out, Cicada's cats.)

Today I was driving in Kansas City in my rented Camry when I saw an object lying in the road. I thought it was a rag or a piece of cardboard or maybe even clothing. As I approached I realized it was a cat--probably already dead. Its head was resting peacefully against the pavement and my car had plenty of room to clear the rotting carcass, so I didn't slow down.

As I got closer, I noticed the people on the sidewalk all gathered around staring at the cat from mere feet away. No problem I thought as I continued to speed toward the feline wonder.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed the cat's eyes were open and it was staring right at me--and then, like a Stephen King plotline, the little guy (seeing its life flash before its eyes) raised itself up on its forepaws in a last futile attempt to escape the bitter Camry of justice before I finished it off. The poor little guy (for storytelling purposes, lets assume the cat is male) looked like he had just escaped from a washing machine.

I heard a violent THU-THUNK as the kitty's head hit the front undercarriage of the car and then the back axle. Serves him right--he shouldn't have raised up like that. The bystanders all went crazy as I sped away. They were treated to a gruesome scene only PETA could have made more ridiculous (which I'm sure they will after a comment like that.) I would have stopped, but

  • I don't like cats.
  • I don't like cats that pretend to be roadkill, only to try to ellicit a reaction from me.
  • I'm insensitive.
  • I was in a rather seedy neighborhood, not a good place to stop.
  • I didn't want to ruin my streak.
Less recently, I was driving in my home town a while back and I ran over a raccoon. Let it be known to the entire internet that I have never even seen a live raccoon, let alone in the middle of town. It was just there on the side of the road apparently waiting for me to pass. Again, like the cat, just as I arrived, it put itself in the path of danger and crossed the road. I could only wince as I passed over its chubby, city-loving body with both right tires. I stopped to check on it, but I couldn't find the body.

Way further back, my sister and I were driving early one morning and another apparently dead cat in the road opened its mouth in a wide yawn as we approached. I swerved to miss the thing, because the gaping piehole freaked me out a bit but instead of clearing it, or swinging wide, I ran over its head with both left tires.

I'd like to see Stephen King finish this story, maybe with a violent return of the critters' ghosts to haunt me and my family until we cave and buy a dog (which we will promptly have to dispose of) so its ghost can take care of the cat and racoon spirits that will be rummaging through my garbage.

Go Fido, Go!

...

you can find the armadillo photo here.

5 comments:

Th. said...

.

On the bright side, neither you nor I have been run over and killed lately.

Rhodeshack said...

It is noble to pursue the annihilation of domestic felines.

A little known fact about the Army of Helaman is that they honed their sword and/or spearmanship skills on the likes of furry little animals.

You discredit yourself by softening your rhetoric about your intentions. Accidents are for agnostics. Be proud, brother Stupid; no shame for being opportunistic when slaying cats. You are preparing for the time when good will conquer evil and cat owners everywhere will rue the day they chose kitty litter over the disciplined slaughter of cats. Woof

daltongirl said...

I know where the body was. It ended up on the east side of the freeway just before the AF Main Street exit. DB and I saw it in exactly the same pose as the armadillo pictured in your post. We laughed ourselves silly. So thanks for two good laughs!

Cicada said...

So sick and wrong. So sick and wrong. But perhaps inspiring. Perhaps one day I will tell the most horrible cat death story ever told.

NatGo said...

Eeeewwww! Ick Ick Ick. And yet...amusing. So, I have a similar story. Once, I was driving down the highway, and there was a door to door salesman in the road. I thought she was already incapacitated, so I was just going to straddle her body with my mini-van, but at the last minute, she reared up. Yikes. Then, like a week later, there was a telemarketer I tried to miss, but I got him with both left tires. I would have stopped, but I was in a scary neighborhood, and I don't like telemarketers.

Nat - taking a joke too far. Even I am wondering if this is too much. And yet, I push publish.