Tuesday, September 26, 2006

120. Why Things Don't Go Well for Me

So, imagine you're me for a second--a younger, thirtysomething, white, chubby, bald guy with a knack for putting himself in the most awkward situations possible. Then imagine yourself walking into a black hair salon and asking the gay, black hairdresser man if he knows where you can buy some Black N Sassy Triple Gro Tea Tree Oil Gro hair products. Then imagine how awkwardly the man and his elderly black client look at you as you stammer and run out the door a la Napoleon Dynamite.

Well if you imagined that, it must've happened right? Right. Last week I was in Los Angeles working. And for those of you who don't know, my wife Limpy is black and has been all her life. Unfortunately, we live in Utah and she is one (1) of only three (3) black people in the entire state. The other two (2) live in Magna or something.

And for those of you who don't know, Black people don't wash their hair every day. Washing one's hair ruins the hair, makes it brittle, and depresses the soul. I guess their scalps don't produce the oils necessary to keep the hair safe like ours do. In fact, since I am bald, I have been thinking of a way to share my hair oils with my wife Limpy for years but I haven't thought of any good hair oil transferral systems.

Anyway, since there aren't many black people in Utah, the beauty supply stores here don't carry many products for them. And every time we find a product that my wife Limpy likes, we find it has been discontinued when it's time for a refill. Well, not discontinued, but that the store has stopped shipping any to Utah.

Which is how I found myself in LA making a fool of myself. And now our brand new storage room has a shelf dedicated to the forty (40) jars of hair oil I brought home.

Another reason I'm in such a chipper mood is because the First Mate was up all night last night. I'm not complaining. I vowed I would never tell people I'm tired because of the newborn. I hate it when people tell you how bad their life is because of a baby and I'm not going that way. My life is a blessing, and the First Mate is a bundle of....no, a compressed bundle of extra joy.

But last night, just before bed, he was very hungry. I fed him three (3) ounces of milk because he usually eats just about that much--sometimes four (4). He was still acting hungry after three (3) so I fed him another ounce. And then another. And then half (1/2) an ounce more. If the First Mate wants food, the First Mate gets food, I say (at least for now while he is still a newborn.) Feeding him is a lot like the storage room: the more you stuff in there, the better.

Imagine my surprise when he didn't fall asleep right away, and kept baby-vomiting through the next three to four (3-4) hours. At the agreed time at which I was to hand him to my wife Limpy and get some rest, I thought he was on the verge of sleep. Not so. My wife Limpy was up the rest of the night with him. He didn't sleep from nine-o-clock (9:00) last night until this morning, and maybe not since. And it's all my fault. Not only did I feed him nearly twice as much as normal, I stretched his stomach out so he'll never feel full again.

So things went bad because I am a moron.

Did you know someone found my blog by google-searching the words 'unibrow spanish translation?'


barb said...

say, what is the spanish translation for unibrow, anyway?

Cicada said...

This is hilarious, Stupid. Someday I'm going to have to meet Limpy and the First Mate.

davecharliebrown said...

I was so excited when I read barb's question, since I finally had a use for my Spanish Translation major. I ran swiftly to my trusty, dusty Oxford Spanish dictionary to look up "unibrow." Turns out it's not in there. *sigh*

barb said...

i think one of the links at the bottom of this post which categorizes the subjects of your blog posts should be 'unibrow'. just a thought.

p.s. i almost have my shirt done. i think you are going to find it to be to your satisfaction.

Stupidramblings said...

It's 'cejijunta' which literally means 'brow together' or 'brow jointed.'

I had no idea there was so much fervoric need to know how to translate unibrow, or I would have put it in the post.

Th. said...


My goodness you've been busy!


Nemesis said...

Bwah hah hahah!

I did that to Savvy once. Only I was lucky because she didn't throw up on me.

'Course, I was never allowed to have a slumber party with her ever again.

The McCulloch Family said...

Once, my husband fed Savvy 9 ounces when she normally drank. I've never seen that much spitup at one time in my life from someone that small.

The McCulloch Family said...

3 ounces. She normally drank 3. It was in there before I sent it.