Tuesday, January 02, 2007

146. No Blood for Energon!

For those of you who plan on missing TRANSFORMERS this next July, let me be the first to tell you you are a moron. I mean, Hello! Decepticons? Autobots? Does none of this stir your inner eight-(8)-year-old? Why would you miss what’s sure to be the blockbuster hit of the summer? This is going to be the next big thing in Sci-Fi since Eragon and The Hulk.

Let me try to change your mind:

[cue music] Transformers: More than meets the eye.
Transformers: Robots in disguise.
Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.

If that doesn’t do it, let’s try my new tactic: persuasion by plot summary.

The movie will start out with a look back at NASA’s Mars rover. Why? Because the Mars rover was the first real-world (well, not our world) Transformer to see specific use in scientific missions. So, the Mars rover landed safely on Mars only to have been destroyed by…I don’t know what--the teaser doesn’t show it. What I do know is that the teaser says that it was the only warning we would ever have received. Then they display the Autobots logo.

Well, when the Decepticons learn there is sentient life on other planets, they have but one choice--go to said planet and steal all the Energon cubes. Besides the stupid dictator Autobots have control of the Mars House and Mars Senate and they have a bungling president (Megabush Electricybertron, played by Patrick Warburton). It’s tough for an honest Decepticon to get anything done with that pile-o-crap Megabush Electricybertron in the Oval Volcano.

So they invade earth. Little do they know the sentient life forms on planet Earth have no energon to speak of. They don’t have any robot sense either for that matter. Decepticons that they are, they find they are powerless to cut through the red tape involved in Earth’s energy exploration application process, but they decide to patiently importune country governments for rights to explore for Energon.

Unfortunately, Energon is made unavailable to Decepticons despite expert predictions of vast stores of it underneath Alaska. (Side note: Alaska seems to have been blessed with an inordinate amount of unreachable valuables: gold, oil, Energon, heat. The list goes on and on.) Dejected, the Decepticons decide to leave planet Earth with plans to secretly come back later if nothing else works out.

Just then the Autobots show up and war is waged on planet Earth between two enemy alien factions. People are reminded quickly of the Rosie O’Donnell/Donald Trump spat of late ’06. The Alien robots destroy Earth in a ballet-beautiful dance of robot-war destruction. Earth’s citizens are heard gasping in horror and some lucky few (see: stupidramblings, Penny Hardaway, Lance Bass) are seen curled up in the fetal position sucking their thumbs. Then all the robots are destroyed by organics and the movie ends. But during the credits, one of the dead robots shows signs of life but hasn’t enough Energon left to power up and escape. Fortunately, having an undead robot leaves room for a sequel--pending box-office success.

I predict the sequel doesn’t happen. “No blood for Energon!” I say.

4 comments:

Bone Junior said...

I'll be honest - when I saw this trailer, I peed a little with excitement. I wonder how far in advance I can buy my tickets...

Rhodeshack said...

The last time I got excited was the fiesta bowl. That was last night.
Before that was when the Pixies re-united.
Is that pronounced ener-JOHN or ener-GONE?

stupidramblings said...

I too am excited. From what I've seen, this looks to be a pretty cool movie--well, I mean, that is, for a 4th of July release.

Th. said...

.

How did I miss this post?

I cannot overstate how excited that teaser made me. It was better than that whole pirate movie put together.