Monday, April 28, 2008

180. Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

Recently a couple of hurtful comments from insensitive people have made me wonder what it is about me that makes me look fat. Is it my gigantic, monster-sized cheeks that make my face jiggle while I run? Is it the seventeen-and-a-half-inch (17 1/2") neck? Is it the plumber's crack? To elaborate:

While my wife Limpy and I were on our cruise two (2) weeks ago, we had the opportunity to wander around Paradise Island and Atlantis Resort in Nassau, Bahamas. Shortly after launching the ferry out to the island, the boat operator climbed the short ladder to the roof, pointed at me, and said, "You...there...in the Mama Cass suit..." O.K. that's not what he said; it was more like, "You...there...in the blue, the boat is unbalanced and I need you to move to the left side. Hurry mon! it's windy today."

So I moved. Instead of sitting next to my beautiful wife Limpy, I got to sit next to the creepy Euro in '80s-style weightlifter pants. No problem, I was the largest person on deck, so naturally I made a good candidate to help balance the boat, right? He was just looking for one person, not necessarily a fat one, right? I'm not so sure, to wit:

Four days later, my friend's four-year-old (4 yr. old) daughter sat next to my wife Limpy in church that week. When I sat on the bench on the other side of my wife Limpy, the bench made a slight creaking sound as my bulk rested delicately on the bottom cushion. She looked up at my wife Limpy and said, "Stupidramblings is BIG; he could break everything."

Now, I'm not one to publicly denounce pre-schoolers on the interweb, but I have to admit I found her comment quite defamatory. She probably stayed awake a few nights that week trying to find a way to hurt my feelings. She probably already posted how fat I am on her MySpace too.

If you're reading right now, my friend's four-year-old (4 yr. old) daughter, I pronounce you INSENSITIVE. Let it be known to all that your words are slanderous!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

179. Achin' for a Breakin'

My wife Limpy and I just returned from a two week trip to Miami and a Cruise to the Bahamas, and boy are my arms tired! Meet me halfway on some of this junk!

But seriously folks, remember to tip your server! Here’s a tip: don’t eat at the buffet, I’m one of the cooks. Ha!

Wow I could be a comedian on a cruise ship, because I hear the only requirement is to talk loud and say “But seriously foks…” every four or five sentences. As you may have deduced from my opening monologue, we just got back from Miami and the Bahamas.

Highlights:

  • The cruise was 4 (four) nights and I only got seasick for 3 (three) of them.
  • We got to spend quality time with old friends Mike and Tracy, motto: I’m a molecular astrophysical biotechnology scientologist or something smart, move over Steven Hawking (he explained it to me in 7th-(seventh)-grade terms, but I was still mostly lost on account-a my weak mental facilities). (Another big thanks to them for hosting us!)
  • We went to the everglades, but saw no glades, just swamp. The gators were out, vis-à-vis the photo, and I squeezed a couple of them; alas no Gatorade.
  • The South Beach diet is a hoax. The locals at
    South Beach look just like the rest of us (see: America).
  • The food in Miami is very, very tasty. Not only do Mike and Tracy cook well, someone decided the Miami area was eligible to import good food from other countries, so we pretty much bought whatever we can’t find in Utah.
  • A slightly damp, clean sock wrapped around a food item, which is then placed inside the freezer overnight, and then wrapped in a plastic bag inside a few layers of cotton T-shirts is a good way to get perishable food onto a plane and have it stay fresh for 9 (nine) or 11 (eleven) hours.
  • Shuffleboard is for suckers.
  • Sawfish are just sharks, but don’t tell them that; they’re a sensitive lot.
  • Kids don’t miss their parents, the parents are the ones who miss the kids and then project their emotions onto the kids. Don’t personify babies, I say; they’ll do fine wherever you send them.
  • My wife Limpy took a fantastic photo of some lily pads in a park in southern Miami.
  • It’s not as fun anymore to play the trick where you cut off people’s heads when you take a picture for them (see: digital cameras).
  • Cruise ship bedrooms are the size of music boxes, which is fine unless you want to sleep, relax, or sneeze, as these activities are too “big” for the rooms.
  • Some people say it's excessive to gain 12 pounds in 4 days. I say, "sounds like April."
  • Getting a room near the back of the ship doesn’t ensure you’ll be the guy who falls from the rear railing and hits his head on the propeller if the ship goes Titanic.
  • If I had a nickel for every time someone said “hey mon” who wasn’t from the Caribbean, I’d be a very wealthy person
  • Tourists are suckers. How else do you explain $6 (six dollar) water and pay toilets?
  • The following sentence is cute if it comes from a 4-(four)-year-old, however, I imagine it wouldn’t be so cute if it came from your spouse: “Stupidramblings, you’re real big. You could break everything."

Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week.

Friday, April 04, 2008

178. First Mate, First Karma

So last night I was watching the boys in the living room. The Juggernaut (4 months) was lying on the couch enjoying his Juggernaut-ness, and the First Mate (20 months) was playing with his toys and books below me on the floor. I was dozing off to a The Office marathon on NBC--all was well.

Until in my ether-like slumber I heard the faint sound of a spanking coming on. Sure enough, when I opened my eyes, I beheld that the First Mate had climbed onto the couch and was standing over the Juggernaut, straddling him and jumping up and down, letting his butt rest not-so-gently on the Juggernaut's chest. I mean, I've seen him do it with a teddy bear, but not his brother, and not in front of me.

The Juggernaut was a stalwart little fella, not so much because he's tough, but because he's keeping a mental list of offenses and is plotting his revenge. The First Mate wasn't too happy when he found he'd been caught. Mainly because I wasn't happy.

Then, in a colossal twist of karmic force, last night at approximately 1:35.06 MDT I heard a thud from the ceiling followed by a baleful cry. I ran upstairs as quickly as my drowsed state allowed for to find the First Mate on the floor crying. He fell out of bed. He's been in a real bed for 3 months now, but did not fall out until the day he was jumping on his brother.

Karma, how I've longed for thy subtle touch.