Thursday, April 24, 2008

179. Achin' for a Breakin'

My wife Limpy and I just returned from a two week trip to Miami and a Cruise to the Bahamas, and boy are my arms tired! Meet me halfway on some of this junk!

But seriously folks, remember to tip your server! Here’s a tip: don’t eat at the buffet, I’m one of the cooks. Ha!

Wow I could be a comedian on a cruise ship, because I hear the only requirement is to talk loud and say “But seriously foks…” every four or five sentences. As you may have deduced from my opening monologue, we just got back from Miami and the Bahamas.


  • The cruise was 4 (four) nights and I only got seasick for 3 (three) of them.
  • We got to spend quality time with old friends Mike and Tracy, motto: I’m a molecular astrophysical biotechnology scientologist or something smart, move over Steven Hawking (he explained it to me in 7th-(seventh)-grade terms, but I was still mostly lost on account-a my weak mental facilities). (Another big thanks to them for hosting us!)
  • We went to the everglades, but saw no glades, just swamp. The gators were out, vis-à-vis the photo, and I squeezed a couple of them; alas no Gatorade.
  • The South Beach diet is a hoax. The locals at
    South Beach look just like the rest of us (see: America).
  • The food in Miami is very, very tasty. Not only do Mike and Tracy cook well, someone decided the Miami area was eligible to import good food from other countries, so we pretty much bought whatever we can’t find in Utah.
  • A slightly damp, clean sock wrapped around a food item, which is then placed inside the freezer overnight, and then wrapped in a plastic bag inside a few layers of cotton T-shirts is a good way to get perishable food onto a plane and have it stay fresh for 9 (nine) or 11 (eleven) hours.
  • Shuffleboard is for suckers.
  • Sawfish are just sharks, but don’t tell them that; they’re a sensitive lot.
  • Kids don’t miss their parents, the parents are the ones who miss the kids and then project their emotions onto the kids. Don’t personify babies, I say; they’ll do fine wherever you send them.
  • My wife Limpy took a fantastic photo of some lily pads in a park in southern Miami.
  • It’s not as fun anymore to play the trick where you cut off people’s heads when you take a picture for them (see: digital cameras).
  • Cruise ship bedrooms are the size of music boxes, which is fine unless you want to sleep, relax, or sneeze, as these activities are too “big” for the rooms.
  • Some people say it's excessive to gain 12 pounds in 4 days. I say, "sounds like April."
  • Getting a room near the back of the ship doesn’t ensure you’ll be the guy who falls from the rear railing and hits his head on the propeller if the ship goes Titanic.
  • If I had a nickel for every time someone said “hey mon” who wasn’t from the Caribbean, I’d be a very wealthy person
  • Tourists are suckers. How else do you explain $6 (six dollar) water and pay toilets?
  • The following sentence is cute if it comes from a 4-(four)-year-old, however, I imagine it wouldn’t be so cute if it came from your spouse: “Stupidramblings, you’re real big. You could break everything."

Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week.

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