Saturday, May 31, 2008

184. Hot Dawg!

If you're wondering how I prepare for major athletic competitions, fasten your seat belts:

My church men's group recently decided to piggy back on the Cub Scout's Pinewood Derby night. The track was already going to be set up, why not use it to our advantage? So the men decided to hold our own PW Derby. However, since we're all grown up, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to build better cars than the boys, right?

Well, no. Most of the cars were not much better than what the boys can put together. Except one:

I won't tell you how I did for speed (16th percentile), but I will say I brought home the best-in-show award. How did I come up with my design, you ask? Here's my inspiration. Now my son, the Juggernaut, is not the only "the Juggernaut" in the house.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

183. Weight up!

Recently, I discovered I had O+ (O positive) blood. I guess that means I’m a “the blood bag is half full” kind of guy.

Here’s my physical state: last night I rolled my ankle playing basketball. It wasn’t too bad, meaning I think I can hide it from my wife Limpy who's prone to worrying. If a slightly rolled ankle was my only injury, things would be fine, but I also broke, and tore the ligaments in, my left ring finger. And I just had my stitches removed. I hope bad things come in threes, because I’m done being torn up.

Anyway, Sunday my neighbor and I were talking over dinner and he was lamenting his weight and telling me he needed to lose a few pounds. I also am slightly chubby (see: lard-legs) and I was complaining about my weight also. So we formed a bet. Person who loses the highest percentage of body weight in the next three months gets a free round of golf paid for by the loser.

So today I passed up on doughnuts, hoping I could use self control to plummet down in the weight standings. Unfortunately, last night while no one was looking I consumed nearly 1000 calories in fruit snacks, Jelly Bellies, and bratwurst. So I ask: if you’re on a diet and no one is around to see you fall, does the cheesecake count, or does it not count. I propose the latter.

I’m going to win the challenge. If not for my willpower, it will be because I am mighty.

That is all.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

182. Martes Trece (13)

In Spain they don’t celebrate Friday the Thirteenth (13th) on Friday. Naturally, they celebrate it on Tuesday. Like you’re supposed to.

So today, in honor of Martes Trece (13), please do not:

• let a fan blow on the back of your neck
• go out while the moon is full
• cut your fingernails (good advice, no matter what day it is)
• shake hands in a group while two other people are already shaking hands (in other words, don’t form a cross with two handshakes)
• don’t wear yellow—especially yellow spandex (I added that last part myself)
• get married
• kill your pig

And remember to keep your child’s hair uncut until he or she learns to speak, or you may cut off some of their intelligence instead of just their hair.

Why Tuesday and not Friday? I don’t know, same reason the Spaniards speak with a lisp—probably a despotic king who also happened to be stupid somewhere back in time. All I know is that the movie series Friday the Thirteenth (13th) flopped horribly in Spain, but when they recalled the film and renamed it Tuesday the Thirteenth (13th) (Martes Trece (13) in Spanish), it was wildly successful. Go figure.

Also in this weekend’s news was my horrible attempt at becoming an amputee. I don’t want to get into details, but let’s just say my tendons are all intact, but they almost stared death in the face. I wish the story was kinda cool, but it involved a screaming kid, a sunburn and a can of corn, so you can make your own conclusions...

Thursday, May 01, 2008

181. I Hate Performing CPR, But...

Today I witnessed a near automotive accident on my way to work. Someone who wasn't paying attention almost plastered himself against a moving van as everyone was stopping in traffic.

Car accidents are cool. Provided no one is hurt, they can be quite entertaining. How else do you explain crash-up derbies? Anyway, I found myself hoping the inattentive driver would stay inattentive just long enough to have a non-life-threatening collision so I could Call 911 and shout:


Somehow this idea seemed good at the time, but in retrospect, maybe it wouldn't have been so amusing, not to the dispatcher anyway. Case in point: just four (4) weeks ago my whole carpool witnessed the same type of accident on the same part of the freeway at the same time of day. It was like pre-ja-vu©. If I had the May Day joke locked and loaded then, it would have been just stupid.

Here's what happened, a mere boy was driving along in his mom's Hyundai, minding his own business, when a traffic jam came out of nowhere and slammed into the front of his car. I stopped my car fully prepared to have to administer life-saving first aid. The Hyundai driver hit a Nissan Pathfinder hard enough that the Nissan impacted the next car with enough force to activate the airbags in the Nissan. It takes a lot of speed to create the force necessary for a Hyundai to do that to a Nissan Pathfinder.

PSA: Don't get in an accident.

The odd thing about the accident is that the Highway Patrolman took my information so he could call me as a witness, but he never called. Maybe I'm not the witness he was looking for. Maybe it was an open and shut case. Maybe the officer reads my blog and thought better of relying on me for anything. Maybe I was too eager. I should have been more vulnerable-looking. Maybe I came on too strong. Whatever it was, officer, you can't tell me you'll call me and then let me wait by the phone for four (4) weeks. PIG! Just pick up the phone already! At least tell me where we went wrong. That's not too much, is it?

Anyway, I did call 911 that day, but it wasn't May Day, so I couldn't use my joke. Personally I'm hoping to get to use my line one day, but not for me, for someone else. If I ever have to use it for myself, chances are no one will believe me because of this post.